What Drag Queens Taught Me...

What Drag Queens Taught Me...

When I was in college, I used to live in an apartment above Jake's Restaurant in downtown PDX- on “gay row.” Damn that was fun. My favorite place to go dancing was at the Brigg- or the Grotto? Not sure what the hell it was called exactly. I used to dance my ass off there- had a great time- and only had to stumble up the street three blocks to make it home. One year I was there on my birthday, and met a guy that had the same birthday as me. For a few years we decided to celebrate our birthdays together. One year we met downstairs at Jake's before going out- he was completely and totally decked out in drag. It was fabulous- and he didn't give a fuck about what anyone in Jake's thought about him- and neither did I- except I will admit that it was rather surreal sitting there on the bar stools drinking martinis and laughing while everyone around us was doing their best not to stare. It was quite entertaining, really. But for fuck's sake people, Jakes is located right across the street from CC Slaughter's- or at least that's where CC Slaughter's was at the time- I think they relocated- because I went there for my birthday this year- ha! And I was on a date! Ha! (BTW, that gives a guy major date points if he agrees to go to a gay bar at some point during the course of a date). Actually, I confess right now, that I have pulled this on a couple of guys- just to find out what they were really like (and no, I don't mean whether they are gay or straight- I can figure that shit out in about 3 seconds... just so ya know). The point of this exercise is: it takes a pretty confident straight guy to go to a gay bar without freaking out. If you can do this, and I determine that you are not a homophobe (or a racist- but the racist tests are much easier than dragging your ass to a club- although I will do that too)- I might just decide to give you a chance... However, one sexist remark, and I will punch you in the face- just kidding!!! I'll just look at you like you are evil and completely insane... and then you'll never hear from me again. Text me/ call me all the time if you want, I will not respond. If you are stupid enough to pull some shit like that, then it's pointless for me to try to give you some sort of an explanation as to why I don't want to associate with you ever again.

Wait, what was I talking about again??? Oh yeah- what drag queens taught me. Drag queens taught me that you might wanna practice walking in heels before you exit your house trying to actually walk in them (yup, that was an actual comment made to me on my first attempt at wearing three inches heels out on the town one night- which was hell, by the way). Another thing they taught me, is that it might not hurt to take more than 30 minutes to get yourself ready before you go out on the town. Taking a shower is commendable, but doing your eyebrows and putting a little lipstick on makes everything much better- you can work up to the dress and doing your hair part. Besides, if you do all these things (not necessarily the dress part- at least just not sweats), you will feel fabulous and have a whole different attitude. When you look good, you feel good. Proven fact. They also taught me that music can still cure just about anything, and that making up routines (whether danced to, and/ or lip synced) is FUN!!! Just because you did this up until the age of 16 does not mean that you suddenly need to stop- because that shit is fun as hell! Feathers- feathers are fabulous. Gloves are to die for. Sequins are good too, although only on an occasional basis- at least for me. Oh, and saying darling, and fabulous, and being super friendly makes most people feel good and smile- well except for some people- but we're not focusing on them right now. A drag queen will compliment you on your purse, your hair, your makeup, your lipstick, your smile, your outfit- and if they find out it's your birthday??? Oh geez, you can expect a bunch of enthusiastic “happy birthdays” and at least 5 to 10 other compliments. Feeling sad and blue? A drag queen will always ask you what's wrong, and encourage you to cheer up and let that shit go. There's probably a hug involved in there too- provided you're receptive to it, and you don't fuck up their hair or makeup. Drag queens have taught me that life just isn't that serious- and even if it is, worrying about it all the time isn't going to accomplish shit- so you might as well enjoy yourself from time to time- and leave all that shit behind. I love drag queens.